“Why Women date Assholes ” – A response

Original Article : http://bluntmonkey.wordpress.com/2011/03/08/why-womens-date-assholes/ ( click to read)

The above article has been doing rounds on facebook with people sharing it quite a bit.I always enjoy a good article especially if it is on relationships and I must say it is a very well articulated one.The thoughts are clear and crisp.As much as I say that,I definitely do not agree with the view the article carries.According to me it is very stereotypical and puts more-than-needed emphasis on superficial attributes.In my view – NOT ALL WOMAN DATE ASSHOLES ! I know many smart girls who filter out flirts and settle for nice guys.

1. It is NOT JUST WOMEN who date assholes,MEN TOO date bitches –

The fact that women go for looks or money is over exaggerated.Even men go for hot women but this has got nothing to do with gender.It is basic human nature for anyone to be attracted to a good looking person.The author has made a table which states women alter their priorities for looks ,money and power whereas men alter theirs according to hotness.My response- for a one night stand or a fling,maybe yes.For a long term relationship – definitely No ! At least not for todays generation.

2.Only good looking men are assholes is a myth –

The psychology behind women falling for the wrong man is not money,power or looks.It is a simple logic.Of course there will always be girls who have needs,are materialistic or dumb and hence will opt for men with resources even if he abuses or cheats on her .But here, we are not talking about exceptions.We are talking about a decent smart woman who falls for a wrong guy.More often than not you will notice that between every couple who have had a bad fallout ,there will always be one who is more dominating than the other and often this is not the better looking person.Charlie Sheen was worse looking than Denise Richards.Cheryl Cole was hotter than Ashley Cole. Sienner Miller if not hotter was at par with Jude Law. A man might be good looking ,powerful ,rich but that does not equate to being an asshole.For all you know,he might actually be nice.Yes, sometimes such confidence leads to a person being flirtatious or commitment phobic but we have to accept that different people want different things from life.As long as he is upfront about it and does not take you for a ride.A true man will be clear about what he expects from a relationship.Such men may sometimes disappoint but not enough to be termed as an asshole.Assholes are men who are insecure in some way.They go behind your back to make you feel inferior , a quality they themselves feel.

3.Assholes lack self- confidence –

I often fail to understand why people stereotype and say women who go for bad boys are insecure. I look at it the other way round.Men who are incapable of commitment or treating their woman right are men who lack inner confidence.More often than not,such men are extremely smooth talkers and display great confidence ,qualities they develop to compensate their lack of inner esteem.A man who is content within will never require this need because he is so secure. I once read a very famous theory by a psychologist and it totally echoes my thoughts :

“Dr Kanazawa’s theory explains that intelligent people are more likely to adopt what in evolutionary terms are new practices – to become ‘more evolved’.Therefore, in the case of fidelity, men who cannot adapt and end up succumbing to temptation and cheating are likely to be more stupid.’The theory predicts that more intelligent men are more likely to value sexual exclusivity than less intelligent men,’ he explained.According to his theory, the link between fidelity and intelligence does not apply to women because they have always been expected to be faithful to one mate – even in polygamous societies”

4.Women don’t purposely go looking for assholes and ignore the nice ones-

I personally despise it when people say woman have a tendency to date bad boys.Seriously ! Why would a girl like to be mistreated.You will never see a woman who knows a guy is a flirt,he cheats or beats yet goes on to date him.Either it is because the bad boys get them first as women naturally like men who make the first move and often nice boys waste too much time expressing or that they truly believe they can change their men.

When a girl starts dating a bad boy, the world sees it as a bad decision, what they do not see is the girl’s perspective.You need to be in those shoes to understand what went behind the scenes.Women often do not realise what they are getting into.By the time she does ,she is already trying her best to salvage the relationship by putting her self respect down.What the world did not see was the side the man showed the girl.Bad boys never reveal their true side to the girl they like initially.No man does,not even the good ones.He shows her a side that convinces her she is different from the rest of the girls he dated and that he is a changed man.He shows her a side that promises to be loyal.His convincing power is so strong that often the girl goes against everyone to trust him.No, she is not dumb to not believe her friends but she is confident enough to believe herself that she can change him.It is only 3-4 months into the relationship that the girl realizes that men are not so easy to change.By that time, it is too late. Woman equate their social status to their relationship. They take it personally when a relationship fails and blame themselves.Hence she tries her her best to save it even if it means going against her instincts that nothing will ever change and getting hurt in the process.It takes a lot for a woman to finally believe that a relationship will not work and that is when she walks out for good.It is easy to see “she went for the bad boy” but it is harder to understand ” why she went for the bad boy”.

5.Needs of a woman change with time

When a girl is in her teens ,looks,money ,cars might attract her, as at that point of life that is what she needs.As she enters here twenties, she grows up and realises the importance of values.Experiences teach her to become mature.

How many woman actually end up marrying a bad boy ? Hardly.The way men drop the bitches when it comes to marriage or long term relationships, it is the same with women.A mature woman, confident of herself understands what qualities reflect a good man.She starts to crave for a man who she would be proud of and the kinds her kids will look up to.She understands that love is not only about spark or chemistry but also about caring and responsibility.The story of our ancestors were different.Women then, did not have the independence to support themselves so they stuck to their alpha male no matter how bad he treated her.She was dependent on him for a living.Today, woman are capable of being independent.They do not fear that they will not get married.Hence they rather remain single than be with someone who does not treat her right.Compare the guy who broke your heart to the guy you are in a long term relationship with now and you will understand how your taste has changed over time.It might sound sadistic but sometimes I feel it is important for a woman to date one or two assholes to understand what she really needs, who she is compatible with and to appreciate the good ones.

Human nature will always makes mistakes,they will always date wrong people,they will always fall.But what is important is to learn from it and stand up again.If true love was so easy,everyone would get it.We often need to kiss a toad to get the prince.As dreamy or fairytale -like this may sound, it is true.Not because we want to kiss toads but because we need to learn to identify the one who will turn into prince.

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  1. I tried proving a point to a group of random steam artists who I found their work to be interesting. Giving my personal opinion very close to this article was shut down and I was told to read the article (even though I did.) I still do not agree. Everything you have described is everything that I felt was slightly offensive and unreasonable claims towards woman. It still does not change the fact that it is offensive and I am glade that I was not the only person who found it to be just that.

    • Thanks Violet.I am glad you echo the same thought.It is time we break stereotypes

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